Metal Gear Gas
by Alfa Ishida
Summary: A rewrited Metal Gear Solid, have fun!
1. The begining

Metal Gear Gas.  
  
By: Alfa Ishida  
  
(The Metal Gear Solid script was rewrited by Hideo Kojima and me last weekend, Mr. Kojima and I were in one of the bathrooms of an airport, then I met him, -"Are you Hideo Kojima?" -I asked, -"Yes, I am" -He replied. -"Can I rewrite the dialogues and events of Metal Gear Solid?" -I asked. -"Of course you can, but give me some credits, eh?"- He replied.")  
  
-"First"- Campbell said. -"Let me introduce you to your foes, the guys who are trying to launch a pig to the White House and all the U.S.A.  
  
Psycho Mantis, who has the incredible ability to make controllers vibrate and read memory cards, also he can control the ladies mind and make their sexual wishes come true.  
  
Sniper Wolf, who likes to shoot people in the middle of blizzards, also he loves wolves.  
  
Decoy Octopus, This guy likes to disguise himself as DARPA members, this guy is VERY important to the game story, so DONT kill him.  
  
Volcan Raven, who likes to crush people with a tank, and is almost naked in Alaska, also he loves ravens.  
  
And Revolver Ocelot, specialist in interrogation and a formidable gun fighter, so formidable that he keeps hiding himself and will sell the Metal Gear blueprints to anyone.  
  
And finally, in charge of them, Fox Hound squad leader, Gas Snake.  
  
-"GAS SNAKE?!" -Snake exclamed. -"What kinda stupid name is that?! Its almost the same codename as mine."  
  
-"Nope"  
  
-"Ok, ok, Im solid, hes gas, wheres liquid?"  
  
-"He was kicked out of this story"  
  
-"Danm, so I will have to fight a guy whos always farting?"  
  
-"Yup"  
  
-"Ill go then, Ill just get my SOCOM and..."  
  
-"Eh.. no you cant take it"  
  
-"Well what about a FAMAS?"  
  
-"Uh uh..."  
  
-"My slingshot?"  
  
-"Nope..."  
  
-"Darn it, Ill be send to a place FULL of well armed terrorist and I cant even use my slingshot?"  
  
-"Yeah, now lets get started"  
  
(Bla bla bla and Snake is launched in the SDV to the building, inside, he makes a codec call to Campbell)  
  
-"Coronel, can you hear me?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"Pretty much, yeah. wasap?" -Campbell replied.  
  
-"Im inside the disposal facility"  
  
-"Thats cool, now theres an elevator that can take you to the ground, go for it Snake!"  
  
(Snake stands up, but he gets caught by one of the Genome Soldiers)  
  
-"Who are you?!" -The soldier asked.  
  
-"Elvis" -Snake replied.  
  
-"What in the..?!" -The soldier pointed his gun at Snake.  
  
-"I came back from the great beyond, just to see your weapon" -Snake said.  
  
-"Oh! I cant believe it! take it please!" -The soldier handed his gun to Snake.  
  
BANG.  
  
(Snake contiuned his way, then he heard some conversation)  
  
-"Stay alert! *fart* He will go through here, *fart* I know it" -A guy with long hair said. -"I have to shot down a couple of flies *fart*" -Then the guy left.  
  
Snake managed to get to the elevator, then he arrived to the ground.  
  
There, he saw a Hind-D, so he crouched and called Campbell.  
  
-"Coronel, whats a russian gunship doing here?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"I dont know, but isnt that guy Gas over there?" -Campbell replied.  
  
And then Snake saw Gas, who was going to board the Hind-D, he knew he was Gas because the guy was always farting. Then he received some calls from a cutie named Mei Ling, and Snake was trying to hit on her and something...  
  
Gas flies away in the Hind and Snake gets on a Ventilation shaft, where he crawled for around an hour. Then he got a call from Master Miller.  
  
-"Snake! Its been a long time! *fart*" -Master Miller said.  
  
-"Master! What are you doing here?"  
  
-"Im on a vacation with my wife and sons, *fart*"  
  
-"You are not using burst transmision, are you nerby?"  
  
-"Im in a nudist camp nerby, yeah, *fart*"  
  
-"A nudist camp in Alaska? and with your sons? you are sick, and what was that?"  
  
-"Eh.. my stomach.. it growled... *fart*  
  
-"Actually it sounded like a fart..."  
  
-"Anyway, *fart* do you see that mice? follow them" -Master switched out.  
  
Snake followed the mice, who were stupidly waiting for him to advance.  
  
After touching some mouse crap, Snake saw two guards below him, they were talking bout some good ideas.  
  
-"The vent covers that leads to the DARPA chiefs cell are stupidly open" -A guard said.  
  
-"Yeah, what an stupidity" -Another guard said.  
  
-"Even knowing there are two intruders, one of them is using Stealth camouflage"  
  
-"And whos the other one?"  
  
-"Elvis"  
  
-"Elvis?! Elvis Presley?!"  
  
-"Yeah, now we must get back to work, hope anyone was hearing us" -And they left.  
  
Snake finally got out of the vent shaft, then he received a codec call from Campbell.  
  
-"Did you use the action button to drop down?" -Campbell was very clear.  
  
-"...........And was it that supposed to mean?"  
  
-"Theres an elevator that can take you to the DARPA chiefs cell, ah.. and if you see Elvis, ask him for an autograph."  
  
Snake took a cardboard box and then he got into the elevator.  
  
Then he arrived to the prison.  
  
Snake got in the vent shaft again and crawled until he found something pretty funny, a guard filling his pants with crap.  
  
-"Caught a damned cold, I hate Alaska, also I hate this fu***** sewer system, theres no water, so I have to crap in my pants..." -The guard said.  
  
Snake took out a pencil and droped it into the Guards pants, the pencil fell with a big SPLAT, then Snake crawled again and he found a woman in one of the cells.  
  
-"Is that a woman? not him.." -Snake thought -"The DARPA chief is black, and this woman is white... and the chief has black hair, and this girl has red hair... boy, almost twins..." -Snake said and he began to crawl again.  
  
When Snake finally got in the DARPA chiefs cell, the guy started talking bout something called Metal Gear Crap, and the terrorist were going to launch a pig to the White House.  
  
-"Can the terrorist launch a pig?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"They need two passwords, I told them mines" -The chief replied.  
  
-"You are a freakin idiot, but can they take the other password?"  
  
-"Oh yes they can, my friend Kenneth Baker knows the other one, by the way, who are you?" -The DARPA chief asked.  
  
-"Im Solid Snake"  
  
-"No, really"  
  
-"Im Elvis"  
  
-"Can I have an autograph?"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Thats enough for me" -The DARPA chief said and then he died.  
  
Snake called Campbell.  
  
-"Coronel! What happened?!" -Snake asked.  
  
-"It looked like a heart attack but..." -Naomi Hunter replied.  
  
-"Im asking Campbell" -Snake said.  
  
-"Oh, fu** you then" -Naomi switched off.  
  
-"It looked like FOXDI... eh, I mean like a heart attack!" -Campbell informed.  
  
-"Pretty cool radar you are using there, can you watch me when Im in the bathroom?" Snake asked.  
  
-"Sure we can, but not now. The president of Arms Tech, Kenneth Baker is in the floor below, rescue him!"  
  
Snake switched off and he called Master.  
  
-"A heart attack? *fart*" -Miller asked.  
  
-"Yeah, know something?" -Snake said.  
  
-"No, *fart*, but I feel somethings wrong... *fart*"  
  
-"It must be your stomach problem"  
  
-"Maybe, now rescue Baker before he give the second password" -Miller said and he switched off.  
  
Snake got out of the chiefs cell, but then he felt a gun cannon in his head.  
  
It was a female Genome Soldier.  
  
-"So you killed the chief, you bastard!" -The soldier said pointing her gun.  
  
-"Actually Im not a bastard, Im Elvis" -Snake answered.  
  
-"WHAT THE?! Can I have an autograph?"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Ok then I will kill you Elvis"  
  
-"Your guns locked"  
  
BANG  
  
The soldier shooted at Snakes foot.  
  
-"SHIT!! DARN!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" -Snake screamed in pain.  
  
-"I wanted to be sure of the lock matter"  
  
Then some soldiers began to shoot them, Snake took a droped SOCOM and kicked the crap out of the enemy.  
  
The female soldier left.  
  
Snake was going to follow her but a man in a trenchcoat appeared in front of him.  
  
-"Good girl, just like that...." -The man said.  
  
-"Man, you are a pervert"- Snake said.  
  
-"Darn you idiot.." -And the man left.  
  
Snake makes a codec call to Naomi.  
  
-"I just have an hallucination" -Snake informed.  
  
-"..........."  
  
-"Naomi?"  
  
-"Fu** you Snake, you didnt me to give you info. now fu** you" -Naomi switched off.  
  
Snake took the elevator again, when he arrived to the indicated floor, he received a codec call from Campbell again.  
  
-"Some walls can be destroyed by using C4" -Campbell informed.  
  
Snake took some C4, and he blew one of the fishy walls, then he found Baker, who was sticked in a pillar in the center of the room.  
  
-"Am I too late?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"(Groan)"  
  
-"Lets see" -Snake punched Baker in the nuts.  
  
-"AAGGGHH!!! YOU FREAKIN BASTARDDDD!!" -Baker exclamed.  
  
-"Phew.. Im just in time."  
  
Then someone shooted at Snakes foot, but our hero jumped.  
  
Then a man wearing a western-like trenchcoat and a revolver appeared.  
  
-"So, you are the guy everyones talking about" -The guy asked.  
  
-"Im Solid Snake"  
  
-"Oh, sorry, I was talking bout Elvis..." -The guy replied.  
  
-"Im Elvis then"  
  
-"Cool, give me an autograph?"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Darn it, now do you know who am I?"  
  
-"Special Operatios unit, Fox-Hound. Revolver Ocelot..? -Snake tried.  
  
-"Dammit, well now... DRAW!!"  
  
Snake and Ocelot took a piece of paper and began to draw.  
  
-"Eh... *thinks* I droped my pencil into the guards pants, shit.." -Snake remembered.  
  
-"Wasap?" -Ocelot asked.  
  
-"Can I have your pencil?"  
  
-"Sure Elvis"  
  
Snake took the pencil and perfored Ocelots right hand with it.  
  
-"AGH! CHEATER!!" -Ocelot screamed in pain.  
  
-"Never trust Elvis" -Snake laughed.  
  
Then someone cutted Ocelots hand, it was a strange guy in an exoeskeleton.  
  
Ocelot took his hand and left.  
  
Snake pointed his gun to the ninja guy.  
  
-"Who are you?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"Im like you, I have no name" -The ninja replied.  
  
-"My names Solid Snake, and yours?"  
  
-"Who the hell are you?" -The ninja asked.  
  
-"Oh.. darn... Ok, Im Elvis" -Snake replied.  
  
-"ELVIS PRESLEY?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! GIVE ME AN......!"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Dammit, anyway, well meet again" -Then he had to pee and he left.  
  
Snake helped Baker and he asked him about what the hell was happening there.  
  
-"Is your password safe?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"No, I talked." -Baker replied.  
  
(Snake punches Baker in the stomach)  
  
-"AUGH! X-CUSE ME!! PSYCHO MANTIS HE WAS READING MY SEXUAL WISHES AND HE FOUND IT!!" -Baker exclamed.  
  
-"He found your wishes?"  
  
-"No idiot, he found my password!" -Baker said, and then he talked about some out of case things, *that Snake didnt listen*, after that, he died.  
  
Snake calls Campbell.  
  
-"Coronel! can you hear me?! now hes dead too!" -Snake exclamed.  
  
-"Darn it, what an unlucky day..!" -Naomi said.  
  
-"Im talking to Campbell get lost!"  
  
-"Shit." -Naomi switched off.  
  
-"I have no idea.. " -Campbell said.  
  
-"Dont lie to me!"  
  
-"Ok, Ill say the truth, I know who is Gas, and Im secrelty Big Boss, Im your father, also Im responsible for the Titanicsinking.  
  
-"Give the answer to the heart attack matter"  
  
-"I dont know it, anyway, find Otacon"  
  
-"Who the hells Otacon?"  
  
-"A guy who likes Japanese Animation, hes childish, an idiot, looks like a gay and he likes to piss his pants"  
  
-"Something else?"  
  
-"Ah! I forgot, he built Metal Gear Crap." -Campbell said and he switched off.  
  
(Thats ok for now I hope. This is one of my first attempts of a funny story, so be gentle in your reviews. Any ideas to alfa@danworld.com, Ill give you credits for your good ideas. Anyway, all flames are accepted, but I will use them to make one of Gas Snakes farts explode. Thanx! See ya!) 


	2. Part 2

After all this, Snake goes to a laser-protected area.  
  
-"Snake, you canÂ´t see them, but there are lasers all across this room" -Campbell informed.  
  
-"Use your cigarretes!" -Naomi added.  
  
-"Shut up, woman, I donÂ´t need your tips" -Snake said.  
  
-"Crap on you Snake" -And Naomi left.  
  
Snake takes out his cigarretes and he began to smoke. The lasers appeared in the smoke.  
  
With the help of his smokes, Snake arrives to a snowfield, the he receives a call from a guy called Deepthroat.  
  
-"Elvis, can you hear me? there are claymore mines around there" -DT said,  
  
-"No, I know you are Gas" -Snake replied.  
  
-"No, Im Frank... eh.. Deepthroat, one of your fans, Elvis."  
  
-"Crap."  
  
-"I have all of your albums!"  
  
-"Eh... good for you"  
  
-"Anyway, use a mine detector" -Deepthroat switched off.  
  
Snake walks through the mined field, but eventually a tank comes out of the building, a big boy is inside.  
  
-"This is ravens territory, snakes donÂ´t belong in Alaska" -The guy said.  
  
-"Ravens donÂ´t belong in Alaska either" -Snake replied.  
  
-"Oh, crap..., Ok you win, IÂ´ll give you the card"  
  
The guy who is named Volcan Raven gives the card to Snake, who gets into the buliding.  
  
-"Boss, I hope you are happy, he got the card" -V. Raven was talking to his boss.  
  
-"YOU GAVE HIM THE CARD?! YOU FREAKINÂ´IDIOT!!! *fart*" -The boss replied.  
  
-"I thought you wanted him to advance"  
  
-"BUT OF COURSE NOT!!! *fart*"  
  
Snake goes into the building and he receives a Codec call from Campbell and Naomi.  
  
-"Snake" -Naomi said. -"That room is full of nuclear warheads!"  
  
-"Shut up, switch to Campbell" -Snake said angrily.  
  
-"Fu** you" -Naomi swithed to Campbell.  
  
-"Snake, you canÂ´t use your weapons there" -Campbell informed.  
  
"Why?"  
  
-"Because the game wonÂ´t let you, every time you try to use a weapon it will be blocked."  
  
-"Darn programmers" -Snake said and switched off.  
  
Snake manages to get to the elevator, no thanks to the efforts of the idiot Genome Soldiers, who were asking "What was that noise" and eventually returned to their work...  
  
Snake arrives to the floor were Otacon is, but he receives yet another call from Deepthroat.  
  
-"Snake, be careful, that room is full of gas!" -Deepthroat informed.  
  
-"That wonÂ´t be a serious problem"  
  
Snake began to struggle and he farts the best he can. The room is now full of gas, but now it were SNAKEÂ´S gases...  
  
Snake gets another call from his fan, Deepthroat.  
  
-"Snake, know some web page where I can found Hentai?" -D.T asked.  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Give me an autograph?"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Anyway, the floor is electrified, you need to destroy the main generator, use a Nikita Missile"  
  
Strangely, SnakeÂ´s sight moves around the room and he can see the generator.  
  
Snake returns to the floor below and kicks the crap outta many Genome Soldiers and using their bodies makes a human bridge over the electric floor.  
  
Snake walks and he hears screams, pain moans and some ugly things.  
  
-"Eeww.." -Snake thinks.  
  
Then he sees a man babbling something about a ghost, and finds the Ninja Fan entering a room.  
  
Snake follows him and he find Otacon, who is pissing his pants, just as Campbell said.  
  
-"Oh, whatÂ´s next?" -Otacon asked.  
  
-"DonÂ´t worry, Elvis is here to rescue you" -Snake said.  
  
-"Elvis!? Science is awesome! It brought you back! can I have an..."  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Well, just save me"  
  
Snake fights the Ninja who speaks about using his bare hands to fight, Snake doesnÂ´t put attention and blast the Ninja with a Nikita Missile.  
  
-"Snake, you cheater!" -The Ninja said.  
  
-"Hey hey, you said only a fool trust his life to a weapon, ok then, Im a fool but still I kicked the crap outta you" -Snake replied.  
  
-"Good point" -The Ninja said. -"Do you remember me now?"  
  
-"Eh.. HA! You are my spanish teacher! I KNEW IT!"  
  
-"Eh.. no lo creo, yo no se hablar espaÃ±ol, maldito imbecil, tonto, idiota y demÃ¡s ofensas, ahora dime, quien soy?"  
  
-"You are Campbell!"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Uh... Don King? perhaps?"  
  
-"Near"  
  
-"Mmmhh.. What about Osama Bin Laden?"  
  
-"OH! CRAP ON YOU!! YOU ARE MORE IDIOT THAN I THOUGHT!!! IM GRAY FOX!!!!"  
  
-"I just knew it, what brings you here bro?"  
  
-"I want you to kill me, but I can wait" -Then he had to pee and left.  
  
Snake fins Otacon playing Resident Evil 3 on his Playstation.  
  
-"Stooopid Nemesis" -Otacon said.  
  
-"Can I play?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"IÂ´ll let you play if you give me an autograph"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Mmmmhh.. can you kill Nemesis?"  
  
-"Sure I can"  
  
Otacon handed the controller to Snake, who kicked the fu** outta Nemesis.  
  
-"My savior" -Otacon said pissing his pants happily.  
  
-"Eeww.." -Snake turned off the PSX. -"I have to destroy Metal Gear Crap, you created it, didÂ´t you?"  
  
-"Sure I did" -Otacon replied. -"I did it to conquer some ladies"  
  
-"Ladies donÂ´t like giant bipedal tanks.... eh.. whatever"  
  
-"Oh, crap"  
  
-"Anyway, know somethinÂ´ I can use to stop it from launching?"  
  
-"No" -Otacon said, still pissing his pants.  
  
-"Well, I will dispose of you" -Snake pointed his SOCOM to Otacon.  
  
-"NO!!! I know a way, IÂ´ll tell it to you if you give me an..."  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Anyway"  
  
Snake receives a Codec call from the girl who stupidly shooted him in the foot.  
  
Her name was Meryl, the niece of Campbell. Bla bla bla, you are a real bastard, just as my uncle said.. bla bla bla. But then Meryl is discovered by the stupid Genome Soldiers.  
  
-"And I like anime and Hentai and...." -Otacon was talking about himself.  
  
-"Eh, man I have to go, a girlÂ´s in trouble" -Snake said.  
  
-"Oh, fine, I will use my Stealth camo to run stupidly around the base and I will call to annoy you"  
  
-"ThatÂ´s ok for me"  
  
Snake goes out, he takes the elevator again and finds three stupid Genome Soldiers, one of them more idiot than his friends.  
  
-"HeÂ´s walking like a girl, oh... I know"  
  
Snake walked up to the Genome Soldier and punched "him" in the head.  
  
-"You stupid gay, I hate your kind"  
  
The Genome Soldier ran and got in the ladies restroom.  
  
-"HeÂ´s sick... anyway, IÂ´ll follow him"  
  
Snake goes into the W.C and finds some clothing, then he feels a gun cannon in his head.  
  
-"This is the second time I point my gun to your head" -Meryl said.  
  
-"Oh, itÂ´s you, but.. did you see a gay enter this place? IÂ´ll kill him" -Snake said.  
  
-"So you are the freakinÂ´idiot who punched me, eh?" -Mery shooted at SnakeÂ´s foot again.  
  
-"AAGAAGGAGHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
When the little problem is solved, the guys go out of the restroom, but there were no stupid Genome Soldiers.  
  
-"Strange" -Meryl said. -"No stupid Genome Soldiers"  
  
-"Kinda fishy"  
  
Meryl and Snake enter the commander room, but Meryl start acting like an idiot.  
  
-"Snake...." Maryl walked up to him. -"Do you like me..?"  
  
-"Sure I do" -Snake replied.  
  
-"Make me yours Snake..."  
  
-"Oh.. if you wish so"  
  
Snake takes Meryl and tries to kiss her. Meryl punches him in the nuts.  
  
-"You idiot, you are supposed to discover who is behind all this!" -Meryl exclamed.  
  
-"Oh.. but you said that..."  
  
-"IM BEING CONTROLLED BY PSYCHO MANTIS YOU MUTHA FU***!!!!"  
  
-"Oh"  
  
Snake receives a Codec call from Campbell.  
  
-"Snake, just punch Meryl to the floor!" -Campbell pleaded.  
  
-"It must be Psycho Man...." -Naomi tried.  
  
-"You again? Go away, shoo!" -Snake said.  
  
-"You will pay for this Snake, just wait until FOXDIE beat the crap outta you"  
  
-"Wha..?"  
  
-"Just beat Psycho Mantis Snake!" -Campbell ordered.  
  
Psycho Mantis showed himself, and he told Snake to put his controller in the floor.  
  
-"What is that supposed to mean?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"Oh, well I will read your sexual wishes"  
  
-"You are sick" -Snake said.  
  
-"LetÂ´s see... Oh! AN ARMY MEN SAVED GAME!? WHAT KINDA CRAP DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MIND?!"  
  
-"Im more soft than you think"  
  
-"Mmhh... A Chrono Cross saved game here, man thatÂ´s cool, one of Squaresoft most perfect games.... Hey.. whatÂ´s this? Resident Evil and Megaman X6 saved games, another two good games, and the last one.... WHAT THE?! HARRY POTTER?! YOU FREAKINÂ´ IDIOT!!! HOW COULD YOU BUY THAT CRAP?!"  
  
-"I told you about how soft Im"  
  
-"ThatÂ´s not soft, thatÂ´s SICK. And for that reason I will kill you"  
  
Psycho Mantis used his powers to move chairs, jars, and almost everything in the room, but Snake avoided it, so Mantis controlled Meryl again but Snake beated the crap outta the girl.  
  
-"You cannot defeat me anyway, I can read your mind"  
  
Snake receives yet another call from Roy.  
  
-"Snake, plug your controller in the second port of your PlayStation!" -Campbell said.  
  
-"Uh?" -Snake tried to understand.  
  
-"Mmh.. Just think something pervert"  
  
Snake began to think, letÂ´s see, a chocolate bar, mmhh... another one, Roy naked, eewww... no Snake, cÂ´mon, you can think something better than that...  
  
ThatÂ´s it!! Meryl naked in a room eating a chocolate bar with Roy naked too!  
  
-"NOOOOO!!!!" -Mantis screamed in pain and he fell down and he died.  
  
Maryl waked up and bitchslaped Snake.  
  
-"HEY! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" -Snake asked angrily.  
  
-"While Mantis was controlling me I could see everything he was reading in your mind, you arenÂ´t Elvis, you are a pervert." -Meryl replied.  
  
-"Oh no, Im Elvis"  
  
-"Ok, I will trust ya, now where to Elvis?"  
  
-"What about that door?"  
  
Snake and Meryl are now in a very cold place, the barks of a little dog could be heard.  
  
-"Follow me" -Meryl ran away.  
  
Snake follows her but she is at the other side of a big rock.  
  
-"How did you get in there?" -Snake asked.  
  
-Hideo Kojima is my uncle" -Meryl replied.  
  
-"Darn"  
  
Snake goes through the doggieÂ´s house, he got bited many times but he managed to survive, when he arrives where Meryl was he punchs her and quickly gets in the carboard box.  
  
Maryl opens the box and "inserts" a Stun Granade.  
  
BOOM.  
  
-"Ok, letÂ´s open that door" -Mery said.  
  
Snake and Meryl enter the building.  
  
-"Wait Snake, there are mines all around the floor, follow me" -Maryl said,  
  
Maryl began to walk around the room like an idiot, then...  
  
BOOOOM.  
  
-"Owww...." -Maryl was in the floor.  
  
-"You idiot, could see the mines eh? liar." -Snake said angrily.  
  
Then Snake heard a voice.  
  
-"Elvis? Is that you? Can you give me an autograph?" -The voice echoed.  
  
-"No" -Snake replied.  
  
-"Shit, Ok, this will help you to change your mind"  
  
Then Meryl gets shooted by a sniper, Snake runs and hides behind a wall.  
  
-"Then what, give me an.."  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Darn you" -And the sniper shooted again at Meryl -"What about now?"  
  
-"No, no and no"  
  
-"Really?" -The sniper said shooting at Meryl again. -"And now what?"  
  
-"ELVIS!! GIVE HER A FU***** AUTOGRAPH!!" -Meryl screamed.  
  
-"No, I have my dignity"  
  
Then Snake received a Codec call from Master.  
  
-"Snake, *fart* you must get a sniper rifle or your girlÂ´s gonna get killed" -Master said.  
  
-"Master, still with your stomach problem?"  
  
-"*FARRRRTTTTTTT*"  
  
-"Oh, ok, IÂ´ll get the rifle"  
  
Strangely, Snake finds a Sniper Rifle behind him.  
  
-"Wha..?"  
  
Then the author (me) appears behind Snake.  
  
-"Yo! Snake, I make this rifle to appear here Â´cause I think its really stupid to go back to the weapons storage building and return here again."  
  
-"Eh.. thanx"  
  
-"Anyway, can I have an autograph?"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"Well, see ya!" (Disappears)  
  
Snake takes the Rifle and shoots Sniper Wolf in the head. The woman is still alive and kickinÂ´.  
  
-"WHAT IN THE HOLY NAME OF CRAP?!?!?!" -Snake screamed. -"You are supposed to get killed in one shot!!"  
  
-"Actually my skin is made from steel or something" -Sniper Wolf replied. -"Do you see that bar above us?"  
  
-"Uh? What the?"  
  
-"That bar is our energy bar, I will not fall down until my bar is totally empty"  
  
-"Oh..."  
  
Snake points his gun to Sniper WolfÂ´s energy bar and shoot. The bar gets broken and a liquid fells, the bar is now empty and Sniper Wolf is not there anymore.  
  
-"Where the hell is Maryl?" -Snake couldnÂ´t find the girlÂ´s body, eh... corpse... whatever...  
  
Snake receives a Codec call from Mei Ling, the cutie who designed the Codec.  
  
-"Snake, isnÂ´t this a good time to save your progress?" -The Cutie asked.  
  
-"Save.. my progress?" -Snake asked.  
  
-"Yeah, just insert a memory card and say: SAVE."  
  
Then Mei Ling was kicked out of the frecuency and Campbell said.  
  
-"Im sorry Snake, Mei Ling was on crack" -Campbell informed.  
  
-"Oh" -Snake replied. -"Better get moving"  
  
Snake walks and finds a door, an alarm sounds and two stupid Genome Soldiers appear behind him, pointing at his head with FAMAS.  
  
-"DonÂ´t move" -A S.G.S. said.  
  
-"Why not? you are the MOST stupid enemies from any game, I wonÂ´t obey your orders" -Snake said.  
  
-"Oh, crap" -The other S.G.S. said.  
  
-"Well, I will shoot you in the head if you donÂ´t move" -The first S.G.S. said.  
  
-"You havenÂ´t enough intelligence to pull the trigger" -Snake added.  
  
-"Oh, crap" -The second Stupid Genome S. said.  
  
-"Eh... I will smash you to bits if you donÂ´t obey me" -The first S.G.S said.  
  
-"I havenÂ´t changed my mind, you low-I.Q polygonal-like-enemies." -Snake laughed.  
  
-"Oh, crap" -The other Stupid G. S. talked again.  
  
Then Sniper Wolf appeared and scratched SnakeÂ´s face.  
  
-"IÂ´ve left my mark on you" -Wolf said.  
  
-"Actually, my face is intact" -Snake smiled.  
  
-"Darn" -Sniper Wolf scratched Snake again.  
  
-"Still nothinÂ´"  
  
-"Why the hell?!"  
  
-"Because of the gameÂ´s textures, this is MY face, and there isnÂ´t any other texture for my face in the CD" -Snake said still smiling.  
  
-"Darn programmers" -Wolf said angrily.-"Anyway, I will guide you to the torture room, where you will receive electric shocks"  
  
-"Sounds kinda dangerous"  
  
-"Sure it is, anyway, follow me"  
  
-"No"  
  
-"I have PlayBoy magazines in the T. room." -The first S.G.S. said.  
  
-"Oh, crap" -The second S.G.S. said, demostrating his low I.Q.  
  
-"Oh, what are we waiting for then?" -Snake said and ran to the torture room.  
  
  
  
(Well, I think thatÂ´s enough for now, anyway, if you have some cool ideas please e-mail me. Domo arigato gozaimasu, Ja ne!) 


	3. Part 3

Metal Gear Gas. (Second Part)  
By: Alfa Ishida  
  
Some hours later, Snake wakes up and notices that he has been captured into a weird torture machine. His naked torso revealed the "Love Mum" tattoo on his chest. Snake felt kinda dizzy, and couldn´t remember those dirty magazines the Genome Soldier mentioned... Perhaps he fell into a well-made trap...  
  
Snake: Perhaps they weren´t as stupid as I thought...  
  
In front of him were 3 shadows. One of them was Assholot, um, I mean Ocelot. Other one was Sniper Wolf, looking at him with a funny face and her fingers making an "L" on her forehead.. What was that suppossed to mean? And the last shadow was himself, with a very nasty-looking hippie hairdo.  
  
Snake: What the hell!? I travelled trough time to my youth!? Gas: No, you idiot. Im Gas Snake, your long lost brother. Snake: Oh yeah, I remember you. You were that bastard who always took my lunch from... Gas: In fact, we did never meet before. I grew up in England... GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!! *fart* Snake: Yew...(Tries to cover his nose, but he can´t) Ocelot: It´s useless. This is my special pre-ordered Torturing Machine, just $56 at E-Bay. Snake: I should be getting one of these for Christmas... Gas: *fart* , let´s drop the stupidities.. We have captured you because we need your DNA. Snake: Sorry, dear. Im infected with AIDS, you cannot use my blood... Gas: *fart* OH SHIT!! *fart* THE PLAN HAS BEEN RUINED!! THROW HIM INTO THE CELL!!  
  
Gas starts farting a lot, so Snake falls unconscious. Then a guard takes him into the prisoners cell. Snake wakes up again, this time inside the cell. He thanks God the fact that Ocelot forgot the torture scene. Snake sits in his bed, and somehow notices a weird smell inside the small room.  
  
Snake: (Looks at DARPA Chief´s corpse) Looks like I have a roomate... At least he won´t steal my stuff like the roomate I had in the University... Hehe...  
  
Then Snake receives a Codec call, so he crouches and answers.  
  
Campbell: Snake, how are you?  
  
Snake: Well, duh. I´ve been trapped by a bunch of dumbasses, who threw me into a cell with a decomposing corpse. Campbell: Kickass.. Sounds like a horror movie... Snake: It could have been... but Ocelot somehow forgot to torture me. Campbell: Luck of the devil, Snake. Don´t worry, you´ll find your way out. Snake: I hope so, or I´ll become just like my friend here. Campbell: By the way, Naomi wants to talk to you. Snake: What for?  
  
Campbell: She wants to make sure that FoxDie is still wor.... Snake: FoxDie? What the heck is that? Campbell: (Cuts out his transmition and switches to Naomi)  
  
Naomi: Snake! Tell me about your family. Snake: Why do you want to know that?  
  
Naomi: Just making sure you have the potential to die by a heart attack. Snake: Oh, well.. It all began with my grandmother.. She was a huge woman... And she.. Naomi: Can we skip that part and go straight to your parents? Snake: Ok... There was a man who said he was my father.. Naomi: Who was it? Snake: Big - The Man - Boss.. Naomi: No! Don´t tell me! Snake: I already did, dumbass. Naomi: And who was your mother? Snake: Daddy told me about some Mrs. Laboratory... Or something like that... Naomi: So your real name is Solid Boss Laboratory? Snake: Perhaps. Naomi: Any friends? Snake: Cyborg Ninja looks kinda friendly. Naomi: I meant PAST FRIENDS, idiot. Snake: Oh, Francis W. Jaegerclesstessmockdeutchmanis ... A.K.A. "Frank Jaeger" Naomi: Grey Fox!? Snake: Yep.. By the way, I didn´t know that even medical staff can know about the real identities of FOXHOUND´s agents... Naomi: I went to a medium. That´s how I learned that. Snake: Allright... Now that I think about it.. That Cyborg Weirdo uses the same cologne that Francis used... Naomi: OH SHIT!!! (Cuts the transmition) Snake: What was that for....?  
  
Snake walks around the cell for a while, and sees the inept guard outside fall asleep over and over again... Perhaps he was the same guy who prefers to crap his pants instead of flushing the toilet....? Searching for something to entertain himself, he asked the inept guard for some puzzle games or stuff. The guard gave him some Barney magazines with a LOT of stupid riddles and puzzles that even a 3 years-old kid could answer...  
  
Snake: 3 letters word for "Giant star that shines in the sky at day".....? ...... What the heck..?  
  
Snake waited a long time and eventually he got tired of those hard puzzles, so he called Otacon, that Videogame-freak....  
  
Snake: Otacon? It´s me, Snake. Otacon: Eh? Wait a minute, Im in the middle of a fight with Bowser! Snake: Come on. Do you wanna be like a videogame hero? Otacon: Sure! What do I have to do? Snake: See, I´ve been captured by the terrorists, and they threw me into a cell. Otacon: ................? So? Snake: SO COME AND SAVE ME!! NUMBMINDED PIECE OF CRAP!!! Otacon: Ah! If you´re gonna curse like a sailor, then you can rot there in jail!  
  
Mad at Snake, Otacon decided to cut out the transmition. Tired of the weird stuff happening in the game, Snake remembered his days in High School, when the local gang used to get him in the lockers in school.  
  
Snake: (Has an idea) Hey, dumbass. Guard: Eh? Snake: I think my friend here (Points to the corpse) is feeling a little bad... Guard: Oh, I see... (Takes a look inside) Yeah.. he looks pretty bad.. Snake: If you let me out, I could bring him some medicine. Guard: Wow, smartass... (Opens the cell door)  
  
Snake walks out the cell and picks up all of his equipment, then gets out of the torture room without a single scratch.  
  
Snake: Now.. were can I find some medicine..? Nah, what the hell..  
  
Snake manages to return to the point where the fight with Sniper Wolf took place, and now that nobody was there to stop him, he entered the first Comunication Tower. Suddenly, the alarm went off and a bunch of well-armed soldiers began to follow him. Snake had no option but to climb the stairs up.  
  
Snake: (Still running) WHAT THE HELL?! ARE THESE THINGS ETERNAL?!  
  
And so it looked, Snake ran about 3 hours before a light could be seen above him. When he reached it, he noticed that he was at the very begining of the course.  
  
Snake: What is this?! Twilight Zone!?  
  
Tired of those damned programers, Snake decided to act like NEO (From The Matrix) and he stepped on the elevator´s celing. Then he shot the metal cable with his SOCOM and he went up like a bullet. Finally he reached the end of the tower and he climbed a lader, he was now in the roof of the Tower. Suddenly, a giant UFO appeared in front of him, radiating a lot of light beams and stuff, to think about it, it looked like E.T.´s space ship...  
  
Snake: Wow.... Gas: (Inside the UFO) *Fart* Hey Snake! Ill destroy you! Snake: No kidding this time!  
  
Snake runs to the roof´s edge, and he realizes that there is no way out. Then he gets a call from Master Miller, who strangely is wearing an E.T. disguise.  
  
Master: Snake, you should go back and get a rope from the bottom of the Tower! *Fart* Snake: Why, are you nuts!? I won´t enter that freaky world again! Master: *Fart* Then you can stand there and let ME.. I mean, Gas, kill you. Snake: Strange mistake you did there... Master: *Fart* Who cares? What are you gonna do? Snake: Just watch me.... Snake jumps over the edge and falls to the bridge connecting the two towers, apparently he was unharmed.  
  
Master: *Fart* How did you do that?! THAT´S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSIBLE!! Snake: Not for a GameShark... Hehe... Master: *Fart* Mmh... Smart.... (Cuts out transmition)  
  
Snake gets to tower 2, but just when he found an elevator, it was damaged. It looked like it was being hold down on purpose... Snake hears a strange noise, so he draws out his SOCOM and shoots to the place where the noises were coming from.  
  
Otacon: (Wears off Camo) OH, HOLY SH*T!!! (His leg is bleeding) Snake: Oh, sorry there, Otacon. Otacon: (Raises middle finger) YOU KNOW IM A SISSY GIRL!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! Snake: Can you fix the elevator? It looks like it´s damaged. Otacon: Why sould I? Snake: Because I can give you the secret passwords of the Pentagon confidential system. Otacon: Really!? How did you obtain them?! Snake: It´s good having dad on the highest rank in the army, don´t you think? Otacon: You rule! I´ll fix the elevator in no time! Leave it to me! Snake: Kickass.. Now, do you know some tips to defeat a UFO? Otacon: (Takes out a briefcase) Use this, don´t open it before the fight. Snake: I hope it works, or you can forget those passwords. Otacon: Don´t worry... hehe...  
  
Snake leaves Otacon and climbs to the roof of tower 2, and Gas appears again in his UFO.  
  
Gas: *Fart* So! The Snake finally came out of his hole! Snake: Wow... that sounded pretty nasty... Gas: *Fart* SHUT UP BRO!! Snake: Why are you calling me bro!? Who the hell are you?! Gas: *Fart* I already told you, idiot! Snake: Sorry, I totally forgot... Gas: *Fart* Well. Ask the father that you killed!! I´ll send you to hell to meet him! Snake: What if he´s in purgatory? Gas: *Fart* Oh... well, that means you won´t be meeting him, then!! I´ll destroy you anyway! Snake: But I really gotta know who you are! Gas: Ok! "Im you, Im your shadow"!!!! Snake: (Looks at his own shadow) No, it is here, right behind me... Gas: DDIIIEEEEE!!!! *FAAAARRRRRTTTTT!!!!*  
  
Gas begins to shoot lasers at Snake, who takes out the briefcase Otacon gave him and opens it. Inside was a giant gun, like a replica of the weapons used in Men in Black... Snake points the giant weapon at the UFO and shoots. The UFO is destroyed and falls to the darkness below.  
  
Snake: Kickass...  
  
Snake returns to the elevator, that has been fixed by Otacon. Snake enters the elevator, but it´s still not working.  
  
Snake: Oh crap... Looks like that Otasshole did´t do anything...  
  
Suddenly, the elevator door closes and Snake receives a Codec call from Otacon..  
  
Otacon: Snake, I returned to my lab so I could get a Stealth camo for you. Snake: Cool! Now I can pass trough the game unnoticed! Otacon: Eh.. but there´s a problem you see.. I had 5 prototypes in my lab, so Im wearing one. That leaves four, right? Snake: (Takes out calculator) Yeah... I think so... Otacon: Well, those 4 prototypes were stolen! Or perhaps they went on and now are invisible.. who knows?  
  
Snake: You are not gonna believe it, but I can smell like man´s sweat here... Otacon: Use deodorant... Snake: No, not mine, I know how my smell is... Otacon: OH NO!! THAT MEANS THE GUYS WHO STOLE MY PROTOTYPES ARE IN THERE WITH YOU!!! Snake: GODAMMIT!!! Invisible Soldier: To late Snake! Now die!!  
  
The four soldiers begin shooting, but since no one can see each other, they end killing themselves in the confusion.  
  
Snake: Oh man.. come on... (Slaps forehead)  
  
Snake finally reaches the first floor of tower 2. Then he gets out and steps into a snow field. Then he gets a Codec call from Sniper Wolf, who apparently asked Master Miller for Snake´s frequency...  
  
Sniper Wolf: Snake, Im near... Can you sense me near you? Snake: (Looks around and notices that Wolf is right next to him) Eh... yeah... Sniper Wolf: Then let´s fight, my little prey...  
  
Wolf runs to the other side of the snow field and begins shooting with her PSG-1. Snake hides behind a snow man and calls Otacon..  
  
Snake: Otacon! Do you have another Stealth camo? Aside of the stolen ones? Otacon: Duh! I told you I only had 5! Why didn´t you take one from the corpses of the soldiers?! Snake: Oh.. didn´t think about that... Otacon: Are you fighting Wolf!? SNAKE!! PLEASE DON´T KILL HER!! Snake: Why?! Otacon: Because she still owes me 30 bucks!! Please! Let her live! Snake: Are you insane!? Otacon: Ok, do what u want... But be sure to get 30 bucks from her corpse. Snake: (Sigh) Ok... ok....  
  
Snake takes out his Men in Black weapon and shoots at Sniper Wolf, destroying her body and leaving her head still alive. Then he gets there and realizes that Wolf was really a cyborg.  
  
Snake: Wow, that explains the super-hard skin... Wolf: Snake.. I waited for someone to kill me.  
  
Snake: Weird, that is the same thing I said in my first visit to the dentist... Wolf: No, really... I was a kurd... I grew up in the battlefield.. Snake: (Yawns) Wolf: Day by day, I woke up in the morning with a corpse by my side.. Snake: Nasty... Wolf: Are you Saladin...?  
  
Snake: ALADDIN?! WHAT THE HECK?! (Points gun at Wolf´s head)  
  
Then Otacon appears, wearing off his Stealth camo.  
  
Otacon: No!!! Snake: ........ Otacon: NNOOO!!!! Snake: (Shoots and destroys Wolf´s head) Otacon: NNNOOOOOO!!!!! MY 30 BUCKS!! HOW COULD YOU?! Snake: Come on man... It´s not that much... Otacon: But I was gonna buy Saint Seiya´s Hades OVA with that money!! Snake: Gimme a break... Otacon: WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?! WHY WAS SHE FIGHTING FOR?! WHO KILLED KENNEDY!? ARE MC DONALD´S HAMBURGUERS REAL HAMBURGUERS?! WHY DO THEY TASTE LIKE TOILET PAPER?! Snake: If we make trough this, I´ll tell ya... (Walks away)  
  
Otacon: Ok! I´ll be at my lab playing Metal Gear Solid!! (Goes away)  
  
Snake enters a small warehouse, and looks down to the basement...  
  
PLEASE INSERT DISK 2 


	4. Part 4

Metal Gear Gas. (Third Part)  
By: Alfa Ishida  
  
After inserting disk 2, Snake gets into the base´s furnace. There were a lot of Stupid Genome Soldiers walking around. Perhaps they weren´t informed that a "one-man army" was walking around, and could throw them into the hot hot lava... Snake did so (Throw them, not inform them), and eventually got into an elevator that would take him to the hangar.. Suddenly, a bunch of soldiers jumped from the edge to the elevator, but they failed and fell to the abyss.  
  
Snake: Oh my God... Nobody realizes it..?  
  
Snake began to see a bunch of ravens flying around him, and received a Codec call from Master Miller..  
  
Master: *Fart* Yo Snake! Please turn your monitor off. Snake: (Click!) There... Whazzzzzaaaaaapppp?! Master: Waaaaaazzzzzzzaaaaabbbbbbeeeee!? I want to talk to you. Snake: About what?  
  
Master: It´s about Naomi Hunter. *Fart* Snake: Oh, that annoying b*tch? What´s up with her? She died? Master: I hope she would... *Fart* But no.. I think she is a spy.. Snake: Oh oh... Master: *Fart* Snake, have you heard of something called FoxDie? Snake: Yeah, a couple of times... Roy and Naomi were talking a lot about that.. Master: *Fart* FoxDie is a virus that causes hearts attacks, and melts the skin of humans. Snake: WHAT!? Master: *Fart* Well, that´s after you throw up all your inner organs. Snake: That must be really painful.. Master: We think that Naomi created the virus to kill everyone! Specially you! *Fart* Snake: So that´s why I felt like being drunk... Master: You sould call her and discover the whole thing. *Fart* Snake: I´ll do it. Let me call her.  
  
Master cuts out his transmition, so Snake gets the chance to call Naomi.  
  
Snake: Naomi?  
  
Naomi: What the hell do you want? Snake: Look, You don´t like me and I don´t like you either, but you gotta tell me, did you created FoxDie? Naomi: Yeah, pretty cool stuff, eh? Snake: Indeed.. Did you created it for taking revenge against me for killing your brother?  
  
Naomi: No, I don´t know how did you obtain that information... Snake: I learned the whole story at GameFaqs.com. Naomi: Oh well.. No, I didn´t created it for that reason. Snake: Then why? Naomi: It was because I was ordered to... Remember the shot I gave you at the begining of the mission?  
  
Snake: Yeah. Naomi: It contained FoxDie, but it was like... "unactive"... Snake: And?  
  
Naomi: I didn´t want to kill you, but then you began acting mean to me, so I activated FoxDie using a remote control. Snake: Technology can do that?  
  
Naomi: Technology can create Metal Gears, what did you expect? Snake: Oh... How much time do I have left? Naomi: About... (Cuts transmition and Campbell takes over) Snake: Colonel! Put her back!  
  
Campbell: I can´t do that Snake, I´m a liar, remember?  
  
Snake: Oh yeah.. I forgot. (Cuts out transmition)  
  
Snake reaches a frozen warehouse, and a lot of ravens fly around him. Then, the huge man that was inside the tank appears, holding a giant gattling gun.  
  
Snake: HOLY CRAP!! Raven: Hello there.. Ravens aren´t scavengers as people think. Snake: Who cares? Raven: The ravens tell me that you are a worthy oponent... Fight!  
  
Suddenly, the ravens start attacking their own master.  
  
Raven: OH SH*T!! I FORGOT TO FEED THEM THIS MORNING!! Snake: Breed crows, and they will take your eyes out.. That´s what my granny said... Raven: My spirit will be watching you! HAHAHAHA!!! OUCH!! OUCCCCHHHH!!!  
  
Snake gets past the warehouse and eventually gets to Metal Gear Crap´s hangar. Then Snake looked up and discovered the giant weapon of mass destruction... It was a giant...  
  
Snake: CAN OF SODA!? WHAT THE HELL?!  
  
Yeah, Metal Gear Crap was a giant can of soda. But what could it do?!  
  
Snake climbs a lot of ladders and gets into the commanding room, where Gas and Assholot.. Ahem... Ocelot, where talking about confidential stuff.  
  
Gas: *Fart* I know the list of the actors of Star Wars, episode 7.. Ocelot: Wow! Tell me! Maybe I can sell it in the black market. Gas: *Fart* No, you are capable of selling your own mother in the black market. Ocelot: I already did it. She was worth 20 bucks. Gas: *Fart* Anyway, I´ll destroy Lopnor, China. Ocelot: Why don´t you blow up Mother Russia? Gas: *Fart* Because your grandmother still lives there, you idiot. Ocelot: Oh., yeah.  
  
Just then, Snake gets a Codec call from Otacon.  
  
Otacon: Snake! The Pal key changes its shape at different temperatures! Snake: What? Pal key? Nobody gave a Pal key in the whole story. Otacon: (Teleports Pal Key) There. Snake: (Gets the key) Ok, now I have to change its... Ocelot: (Sees Snake and shoots at his hand) Who´s there!  
  
The Pal key was trown away by the impact, but Snake managed to catch it in middle air.  
  
Snake: Gotcha baby.. Gas: *Fart* Oh great, now how are we supposed to get away? Ocelot: (Jumps trough the bullet-proof glass and falls into the darkness) GGYYAAAAHH! Gas: (Does the same) Snake: There, it wasn´t that hard.  
  
Snake inserts the "normal temperature" key into the slot. The message "PAL code number 1 confirmed" is heard. Then Snake climbs down all the ladders, when he finally gets to the first floor, he sees Gas and Ocelot lying on the floor, unconscious. Snake goes all the way back to the frozen warehouse and freezes the PAL key. Then he goes to the commanding room again and inserts the key.  
  
Snake: Now I have to heat the key.. Oh yeah, I know..  
  
Snake puts the card key just behind his ass and begins farting like a maniac so the key warms up and changes its form. Snake inserts the last key into the slot and an alarm goes off.  
  
Computer Voice: Metal Gear Crap has been activated, please don´t panic. Snake: No! I deactivated it! Gas: (Calls on Codec) *Fart* HAHAHA!! YOU IDIOT! EVERYTHING HAS BEEN PLANNED!! Snake: What a lame excuse for losing all your comrades. Gas: *Fart* ........ *Fart* Anyway, now die!  
  
Suddenly, poison gas is realeased in the room. But thanks to the hole Ocelot did in the bullet-proof glass, Snake can get out alive and kicking.  
  
Gas: *Fart* Snake! Did you like my contact lenses? Snake: They look neat. (Points gun to Gas) Gas: *Fart* You point your weapon to your own brother?  
  
Snake: And you try to kill your own brother by enclosing him in a room full of poison gas?  
  
Gas: *Fart* That´s another story. Did you know that Naomi was working with the pentagon? Snake: Duh, I would be an idiot if I didn´t. Gas: *Fart* We are twins! Products of experiments with Big Boss´DNA! Snake: So we don´t have a mommy.. Crap.. Gas: *Fart* Yeah.. how sad... (Controls himself) Now die Snake! (Jumps to Metal Gear Crap)  
  
Gas activates Metal Gear Crap, and a pair of legs appear from within the Soda can. Snake takes out his Men in Black weapon replica and blasts MGC to hell.  
  
Snake: Did that do it?  
  
Gas: *Fart* NICE TRY!! NOW DIEEEE!!! (Tries to step on Snake)  
  
Ninja: (Appears and puts a banana peel on the floor, so Metal Gear trips and falls) Snake: Gray Fox! Ninja: A name from long, long, loooonnnggg ago.. It sounds cooler than Deepthroath. Snake: A lot cooler. Ninja: Snake, I killed Naomi´s parents, so I raised her to sooth my conscience. Snake: Yeah sure, you wanted someone to cook for you in the war. Ninja: Tell her that I was the one who killed her parents! Snake: Why? She´s already gone insane. Gas: *Fart* (Metal Gear gets up) THERE YOU ARE!! Ninja: Here´s a final present from Deepthroath. (Shows Snake a box of cigarretes)  
  
The Ninja starts fighting with Metal Gear Crap, and manages to destroy the Radome (The thing that allowed Gas to see outside).  
  
Snake: This beats the crap out of "The Matrix" Fox: (Trips on banana peel and falls over his back) Gas: *Fart* (Steps on Gray Fox) Hahaha!! Fox: Snake, we´re not tools of the government, or anyone else! I only knew how to fight! Snake: That´s because you left elementary school, remember? I told you being a bully wouldn´t take you anywhere good. Fox: Shut up Snake... And... farewell.. (Gets crushed by Metal Gear Crap) Snake: FOOOOOOOOO.... (Chokes) Gas: *Fart* NOW ITS YOUR TURN!! (Trips again on banana peel and Metal Gear is destroyed) Snake: Oh... Duh... (Trips on banana peel too and falls unconscoius)  
  
Snake wakes up minutes ago. He´s been tied by hands and feet and notices that someone stole his wallet.  
  
Gas: (Appears and shows Meryl to Snake) Here´s your girlfriend, but we are gonna die anyway. Snake: Why?  
  
Gas: *Fart* Because the pentagon sent armed jets to bomb the place, that´s why. Snake: Oh, that could hurt a little. Gas: *Fart* Why don´t you ask Campbell about it, if you insist to be skeptic. Snake: (Calls Campbell) Colonel! What´s the pentagon trying to do?  
  
Campbell: How should I know? Im retired, remember? By the way, Jim Houseman wants to talk with you. Snake: How´s Jim Houseman...? Jim: Im the secretary of defense! And Im evil! Snake: Man, today everybody can become part of the government. Jim: You two are a failure, kill yourselves and never come back!! HAHAHAHA!! Snake: Duh... (Cuts transmition)  
  
Gas: *Fart* Let´s fight! (Trips on himself and falls over his face) Snake: Now I have to rescue Meryl. (Unties her) Meryl: Snake! You saved me! Snake: No thanks to those godamned programmers.  
  
Snake and Meryl run away, but they are stopped by Otacon.  
  
Otacon: Hey! Nice of you by leaving me behind! Snake: Sorry. Otacon: I´ll drive! (The three jump into a jeep and escape) Gas: *Fart* (Appears on second jeep) NOT YET SNAKE!! ITS NOT OVER YET!!! Snake: Gas!! Gas: (His jeep gets runs of gas -gasoline, not Gas Snake- and stops) NOOO!!!!  
  
Snake: Hehehe... idiot...  
  
Finally the survivors can get out the base, but Gas appears with a gun in his hand and points it to Snake.  
  
Gas: *Fart* You are a real pain in the ass! *Fart* Now it´s time to say good-bye! Snake: (Closes eyes) Well, I lived a long peaceful life... not.... Gas: (Has heart attack) FO.... FOX..... Snake: Die..... Gas: (Falls to the ground, pointing his ass to the sky) Otacon: That´s the end of Gas Snake. Let´s hope nobody gets his ass and implants into somebody else, so Gas can live again. Snake: Yeah, let´s hope so. Meryl: There´s a Mc Donalds near, do you want to go eat there? Snake: Sure! (Finds a snowmobile and the 3 get in) Otacon: I want to fin a new purpose in life.. I want to be a Trekkie instead of being an Otaku. Meryl: I want to be more lady-like and leave weapons for good. Snake: I want to live a new life, free of battles, blood, gore and those ugly things. Otacon: Will you find it? Snake: Probably not, this game has a sequel, remember?  
  
Otacon: Oh yeah, let´s go!  
  
And so it ends, our heroes of Shadow Moses went to eat hamburguers that tasted like toilet paper, and they lived happily forever and ever (Except for Meryl, who was killed by getting ran over by a bus and died).  
  
(Black Screen)  
  
Ocelot: Yeah boss.. They are still alive... 2 of them... ¿?: ........ Ocelot: Yes sir, I got everything ready for the dirty party you are planning... ¿? ....... Ocelot: Yes, I´ll be sure to implant Gas´s ass on myself. Why? Because he´s got a great ass. ¿?: ...... Ocelot: Yes sir, I´ll bring eggs and bacon for tomorrow´s breakfast.. ¿?: ....... ¿?: Yes, nobody knows that you are the president and the third Snake brother.. Some random guy: WHAT THE HELL?!  
  
Ocelot: Excuse me, the lines got crossed... Good-bye, Mr. President. (Hangs up)  
  
THE END....?  
  
(There, the first part of Metal Gear Solid is finally complete. Be sure to check my sequel here at Fanfiction.net, by the name of "Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of their mother". Thanks for reading my stupidities, any ideas, or sugestions to improve the story will be accepted to alfa@danworld.com. I´ll also receive flames or bomb mails, if you can send them.. Hehe.) 


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